Sascha

I thought this episode would pass and he’d be ok. He was the only one on my Christmas list and I thought that I could bring him his favourite beer to make him feel better. He liked the Brouwerij ‘t IJ beer so much, that he tried to get the LCBO(Liquor Control Board of Ontario)/Beer Store to stock it. I tried to figure out what sparked joy with him, but I didn’t quite get to it. He binge watched Babylon 5 and I didn’t dig deeper.

This episode of depression lasted much longer than the previous ones. I didn’t actually know the extent of the previous ones.  There were enough signs and I didn’t piece it together. He even told me he’d been to the hospital and I took that to mean he was trying to hang on. I feel stupid for not considering what that ultimately meant. I didn’t get the jolt of urgency that I would have gotten had I thought about what would happen if things went wrong.

I decided some time ago to get my shit together so that I could be available for close friends and family, and I’m just too late. It’s not like I didn’t know what I needed to do, I’ve been just too slow doing it.

He worried about becoming homeless after possible layoffs at work. He wasn’t getting bites for jobs. He was brilliant, but his CV needed rework. His CV just needed tweaking. It wasn’t that he wasn’t qualified for one role, he was qualified for twenty distinct ones. His CV shot in every which direction, because his breadth of experience did. Because he could do it. I told him that someone with his capabilities and experience shouldn’t be without a job. After reviewing his CV, I asked him to send me a job description of a position that he wanted. But it had taken me months to get around to it. Maybe a new secure job wouldn’t have made a difference, maybe it would have. He wasn’t far off.

He was such a sweet, caring individual.  I asked “How is dear Bellz doing?” to which he responded “Good thank God”.  He loved that dog so much, I guess the most surprising part for me is that he didn’t hold on for her.

It’s just hard to come to terms with how unfair it all is.

I don’t feel like I exhausted all my options. I don’t know if I could have helped, but now I’ll never know.

I’m sorry. Rest in Peace dear Friend.